i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
