if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
