Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
