My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
