is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
