This is not my ceiling
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
