i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
