I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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