Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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