Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All I want is dick and wine.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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