new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
