the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
