dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
