i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
