John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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