He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
