Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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