I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
