I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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