took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
