After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
