I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
