You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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