She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
