I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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