I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
