Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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