dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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