god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am midnight drunk by noon
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
