I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
so much tequila, so little girl.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
