If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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