she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
