I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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