so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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