There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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