i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
