Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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