The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
