dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
