people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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