He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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