Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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