tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
