dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
