I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
