I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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