I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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