I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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