No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
as a side note pls kill me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
