dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
