Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
