the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
